Values vs. rigid rules
It is human to want to please others or to set high standards for ourselves. As long as this is done flexibly, it can enrich our lives. The problem arises when rigid rules take over: “I must always …” or “I must never …”. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps us to recognize these patterns, respond more flexibly, and live a life guided by our values.
Healthy vs. unhealthy patterns
People pleasing and perfectionism are not inherently negative. Healthy people pleasing is a behavior that promotes social success and satisfaction – for example, when we support others without losing sight of our own needs. Unhealthy people pleasing, however, occurs when fear of rejection or guilt dictates our actions. Care and kindness then quickly turn into stress and exhaustion.
The same applies to perfectionism. Healthy perfectionism means striving for high quality, viewing mistakes as opportunities to learn, and feeling proud of progress. Unhealthy perfectionism, in contrast, is dominated by constant self-criticism, fear of failure, and the belief of never being good enough. This blocks satisfaction and increases the risk of burnout.
How ACT can help
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does not aim to eliminate thoughts or feelings but to build psychological flexibility – the ability to act in everyday life guided by values, even when difficult emotions or thoughts are present.
The central difference from classic self-improvement programs: ACT distinguishes values from goals.
- Values are the qualities, we want to align our behavior with. We could ask: „What qualities should guide my behavior?“ – such as compassion, honesty, or self-care. They define our inner compass and the overall direction we want to take in life. When we are aware of our values, we can translate them flexibly into everyday behavior and find authentic success.
- Goals are concrete steps (or „milestones“) in a chosen direction – for example, “Today I will kindly say no” or “I will finish work on time to make space for rest.” Goals are useful because they make success measurable and tangible, like a reward after effort. But goals should always be handled with flexibility, and looked at as only „subgoal“, as the values are what we should be focussing on in the long-run.
In this way, achievement remains possible, but it unfolds in harmony with our values – not driven by fear or guilt.
Practical ACT exercises
- Dropping Anchor: 1. Name thoughts and feelings, 2. connect with the body, and 3. engage in value-oriented action – to stay present and effective even in difficult moments.
- Defusion: Notice thoughts such as “I must not disappoint anyone” or “I must do everything perfectly” for what they are: thoughts, not truths.
- Clarifying values: Ask yourself, “What really matters to me in life?” – and derive concrete behavior from these answers.
- Personal Bill of Rights: Consciously acknowledge your right to have needs, set boundaries, and make mistakes.
- Self-compassion: Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a close friend, practice „shared humanity“.
Conclusion – Success without frustration or exhaustion
People pleasing and perfectionism can be helpful as long as they are lived flexibly. When they become rigid, however, they drain energy and joy. ACT provides the opportunity to live a fulfilling life in which achievement and self-care go hand in hand. Instead of acting out of fear or guilt, we orient ourselves on our values – and can achieve our goals without burning out.
Sources and further reading
This article is based on the ACT training on people pleasing and perfectionism by Dr. Russ Harris, one of the most renowned ACT trainers worldwide.
Recommended books are: The Happiness Trap and The Confidence Gap. Both provide practical insights on how to use ACT to overcome self-criticism, people pleasing, and unhealthy perfectionism.
More resources, worksheets, and audio exercises are available on his website: www.actmindfully.com.au
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